Hey folks -
Not much to report these days. I now think I am seeping into the "denial" phase about TTC via IVF. I haven't made the appointment w/my RE b/c I'm just petrified about what she will say about our chances to do IVF. I gotta break outta that though...
There might be a possible adoptive possibility in the works...and would you believe I'm a little scared of that too?
I need to get my mind right. Whether it's IVF, adoption or whatever it is....I can't be skurred. It's my destiny to be a mommy.
In the words of Kirk Franklin (and Kenny Loggins, where this song was originally taken from):
You think that maybe it's over'
Not unless you want it to be
Are you gonna wait for a sign? Your miracle..
Stand up and fight!
This it it!
You can't mess with my mind anymore --'This is it!
I'm smarter, see I've been here before --'This is it!
It's a new day, I'm not afraid anymore --'This is it!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Gaining and Losing
I was gonna come on here this week and wax poetic about the 10 pounds I've lost since January 1st. I was likely gonna have an update on a trip to the RE for a HSG follow up. Life happens though. I never expected to be coming here and, instead of writing all that, end up writing a post-mortem about one of the relatives I have been close to since I was in my mom's womb.
Last weekend, I lost my aunt to breast cancer. She was one of the baddddest women walking. She always knew how to get in your behind..even when she didn't agree with you or you with her. More than anything, she made you feel important...like you were one of her own kids. She always bailed my cousins (her kids), their friends and me out of any situation imaginable. If she had it, you had it. She was an advocate, cheerleader, supporter, lawyer, policewoman (and she actually WAS one), master chef....and more. I'm feeling this loss really deeply. I was so looking forward to having a baby to bring to her house for HER to take under her wing...just as she did me and all the other kids she considered her kids, neices and nephews.
I can only hope that when it's my turn to be a mommy, I'm even a quarter of what she's meant to me. I do hold in my heart all that's she taught me over the years. She taught me to stand up for myself and to be a fighter. For that kind of gain in my life, I'll always be grateful.
Breast Cancer may have claimed another loss, but Heaven is gaining a fierce one. Gabriel and the other angels better watch out. Renee is comin!
I'm sad but rejoicing at the same time. Weird, isn't it.
Rest in peace, my dear.
R.W.P 1951-2008.
Last weekend, I lost my aunt to breast cancer. She was one of the baddddest women walking. She always knew how to get in your behind..even when she didn't agree with you or you with her. More than anything, she made you feel important...like you were one of her own kids. She always bailed my cousins (her kids), their friends and me out of any situation imaginable. If she had it, you had it. She was an advocate, cheerleader, supporter, lawyer, policewoman (and she actually WAS one), master chef....and more. I'm feeling this loss really deeply. I was so looking forward to having a baby to bring to her house for HER to take under her wing...just as she did me and all the other kids she considered her kids, neices and nephews.
I can only hope that when it's my turn to be a mommy, I'm even a quarter of what she's meant to me. I do hold in my heart all that's she taught me over the years. She taught me to stand up for myself and to be a fighter. For that kind of gain in my life, I'll always be grateful.
Breast Cancer may have claimed another loss, but Heaven is gaining a fierce one. Gabriel and the other angels better watch out. Renee is comin!
I'm sad but rejoicing at the same time. Weird, isn't it.
Rest in peace, my dear.
R.W.P 1951-2008.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Happy New Me
Welcome to 2008!
I'll have more to update on the TTC later this week...when I finally schedule my post-HSG appointment at Super Giant FC. In the meantime, i've been on a mission to lose some weight in the '08...and I have. 5 whole pounds since last week. Woo Hoo!
My desire is to be healthy in every area of my life this year -- financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Last year was tough, but I am amped and ready to face challenge head on this year. Let's hope this vigor can last beyond the month of January. :)
I'll have more to update on the TTC later this week...when I finally schedule my post-HSG appointment at Super Giant FC. In the meantime, i've been on a mission to lose some weight in the '08...and I have. 5 whole pounds since last week. Woo Hoo!
My desire is to be healthy in every area of my life this year -- financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Last year was tough, but I am amped and ready to face challenge head on this year. Let's hope this vigor can last beyond the month of January. :)
Monday, December 31, 2007
It's a Wrap!
this year, that is.
Sorry I haven't been here to update in a couple of weeks. Nothing new going on on the TTC front. I kept my word to myself that I would make a choice to not deal with seeing my doc until after the New Year. I just didn't want any kind of news (more surgery or something like that) to put a damper on my holidays. Of course, there were lots of other things to put a damper on my holidays...but since it's the last day of this year (Hallelujah)...I want to focus on the positive things to come.
It is my intention to start a support group/organization for women of color dealing with infertility and miscarriage issues. I had two friends from my other cyber home lose their babies this weekend. One friend only had 5 weeks to go and had to deliver her son stillborn. This makes 3 people within the past couple of months. I am sad and mad as hell about it. But when I search the web for resources for Black women to cope...I find nothing. Don't get me wrong..I am not slighting or begrudging Resolve or other orgs at all. I think they do wonderful work for the IF community. I just feel passionately that Black women don't see themselves in these issues...we just put an S on our chest and try to keep it movin. I feel that women of color need a voice to reassure ourselves that it really is ok....to hurt...to explore your feelings...to find a kindred spirit in all of this madness. We suffer from these horrific fibroids....80% of African American women having them...and we are in just as great numbers suffering from Endometriosis and Cervical Cancer. But we suffer in silence...and see our other sister organize and get their healing while don't. I know some readers of this blog may not be overly religious or spiritual...but I am clear that God doesn't make mistakes. He tries to lead us toward our mission and purpose..it's just up to us to heed His call. I have been pulled and tugged for years to do some sort of advocacy work for women...I never followed through on any of my thoughts or plans..and now I know why. This is what I need to be doing. I don't know how it will all take shape at this point...but I know who will make that vision clear.
I know God has nothing but good things in store for me...and for you....in the year to come. When New Years comes, I get sad about what's been lost..but this year, I am so excited for what's to come...whether it's clarity on a child by IVF or adoption....or starting this group that's welling up on the inside...or getting our financial house in order...or strengthening my relationship with my husband, family and close friends...or really and truly going back to finish that MSW that I've alluded myself from for years and years...all of these things have me excited for the clock to strike 12...The Number 7 means completion...while 8 means New Beginnings. Onward and upward. Have a blessed New Year everyone.
Sorry I haven't been here to update in a couple of weeks. Nothing new going on on the TTC front. I kept my word to myself that I would make a choice to not deal with seeing my doc until after the New Year. I just didn't want any kind of news (more surgery or something like that) to put a damper on my holidays. Of course, there were lots of other things to put a damper on my holidays...but since it's the last day of this year (Hallelujah)...I want to focus on the positive things to come.
It is my intention to start a support group/organization for women of color dealing with infertility and miscarriage issues. I had two friends from my other cyber home lose their babies this weekend. One friend only had 5 weeks to go and had to deliver her son stillborn. This makes 3 people within the past couple of months. I am sad and mad as hell about it. But when I search the web for resources for Black women to cope...I find nothing. Don't get me wrong..I am not slighting or begrudging Resolve or other orgs at all. I think they do wonderful work for the IF community. I just feel passionately that Black women don't see themselves in these issues...we just put an S on our chest and try to keep it movin. I feel that women of color need a voice to reassure ourselves that it really is ok....to hurt...to explore your feelings...to find a kindred spirit in all of this madness. We suffer from these horrific fibroids....80% of African American women having them...and we are in just as great numbers suffering from Endometriosis and Cervical Cancer. But we suffer in silence...and see our other sister organize and get their healing while don't. I know some readers of this blog may not be overly religious or spiritual...but I am clear that God doesn't make mistakes. He tries to lead us toward our mission and purpose..it's just up to us to heed His call. I have been pulled and tugged for years to do some sort of advocacy work for women...I never followed through on any of my thoughts or plans..and now I know why. This is what I need to be doing. I don't know how it will all take shape at this point...but I know who will make that vision clear.
I know God has nothing but good things in store for me...and for you....in the year to come. When New Years comes, I get sad about what's been lost..but this year, I am so excited for what's to come...whether it's clarity on a child by IVF or adoption....or starting this group that's welling up on the inside...or getting our financial house in order...or strengthening my relationship with my husband, family and close friends...or really and truly going back to finish that MSW that I've alluded myself from for years and years...all of these things have me excited for the clock to strike 12...The Number 7 means completion...while 8 means New Beginnings. Onward and upward. Have a blessed New Year everyone.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
"You THINK you know? You have no idea...."
Until you know my joy, know my pain, and know my struggles
Until you've walked these shoes, paid my dues, and felt my troubles
Until you've shared my tears, known my fears, in all my years
Only til then, you only know what you think you know
Raheem DeVaughn "Until" (from "The Love Experience")
I posted this on my other "cyber home" yesterday..no need to add too much else to it...except this...notice today's lyrical posting -- it's one of my favorite songs from Raheem DeVaughn, a neo-soul/R&B singer out of the DC area. Someone alluded that it shouldn't be that hard for a baby to grow in my womb...and that it should be just as easy to monitor my boulders when I get pg..right?
What those lyrics above are basically saying is this....that unless you've experienced anything from my standpoint, you only "know what you think you know". You have no idea what kind of pain or frustrations I've been through in my life. You have no idea how I've had to struggle and fight for a lot of things. You can't know the depth of how people in my life, often the closest people I know, have hurt me. And you most assuredly can't understand what I have been through with this fight to preserve my womb. I've been going through it for 11 years! A whole decade of my life. Been through a blood tranfusion and at least 7 surgeries --perhaps more. As much as I would love the baby making process to be a breeze for me, it's not gonna be a breeze. I'm trying to maintain everyday and keep it all together. I'm trying to tough it out without crumbling into tears a lot of the time. I'm constantly on my way to what God would have me to fulfill in my life...but unless you really knew what the real deal is...to quote the catch phrase from the old show "Diary" on MTV, "You THINK you know...but you have NO idea."
I digress...here's the post:
Re-did the HSG test today (well yesterday, since I posted this then). After 3 attempts, she couldn't even SEE my one remaining tube. My uterus is so scarred and boulder filled, the teeny speck of space that's left isn't enough for a fist, let alone a baby.I'm supposed to be calling my doc back for a follow-up consultation..but I don't see a need for it. What's the point going to be Even if we do IVF, where's a baby going to grow? There's no room in the inn. My head says give it one more go for them to clear boulders and scar tissue, but I'm tired of the table. I'm tired of just expecting to put a surgery on my social calendar every year. I'm feeling so over it. And we can't afford a gestational surrogate. That's out.My husband went with me and after it was over, I think he was expecting me to cry on impulse...but knowing I have to tough it out at work all day, I didn't not want to start the water works in the car...cuz they would likely not stop. I am sitting here now about to start it, but I have to fight it. So if this entry sounds like tears, it's gonna have to be tears for now..I just can't lose it here today.I'm sure if I don't call the doc's office, they'll call me with the results this afternoon and want me to come see them...and I'll likely go...if for no other reason than to just tie up those ends. Maybe I'm thinking irrationally...who knows. All I know is that I want a baby more than anything, but out of my own womb, it's not looking good. I know the Lord blessed Sarah and Elizabeth when they thought they were barren...I'd love that same miracle for us.
Until you've walked these shoes, paid my dues, and felt my troubles
Until you've shared my tears, known my fears, in all my years
Only til then, you only know what you think you know
Raheem DeVaughn "Until" (from "The Love Experience")
I posted this on my other "cyber home" yesterday..no need to add too much else to it...except this...notice today's lyrical posting -- it's one of my favorite songs from Raheem DeVaughn, a neo-soul/R&B singer out of the DC area. Someone alluded that it shouldn't be that hard for a baby to grow in my womb...and that it should be just as easy to monitor my boulders when I get pg..right?
What those lyrics above are basically saying is this....that unless you've experienced anything from my standpoint, you only "know what you think you know". You have no idea what kind of pain or frustrations I've been through in my life. You have no idea how I've had to struggle and fight for a lot of things. You can't know the depth of how people in my life, often the closest people I know, have hurt me. And you most assuredly can't understand what I have been through with this fight to preserve my womb. I've been going through it for 11 years! A whole decade of my life. Been through a blood tranfusion and at least 7 surgeries --perhaps more. As much as I would love the baby making process to be a breeze for me, it's not gonna be a breeze. I'm trying to maintain everyday and keep it all together. I'm trying to tough it out without crumbling into tears a lot of the time. I'm constantly on my way to what God would have me to fulfill in my life...but unless you really knew what the real deal is...to quote the catch phrase from the old show "Diary" on MTV, "You THINK you know...but you have NO idea."
I digress...here's the post:
Re-did the HSG test today (well yesterday, since I posted this then). After 3 attempts, she couldn't even SEE my one remaining tube. My uterus is so scarred and boulder filled, the teeny speck of space that's left isn't enough for a fist, let alone a baby.I'm supposed to be calling my doc back for a follow-up consultation..but I don't see a need for it. What's the point going to be Even if we do IVF, where's a baby going to grow? There's no room in the inn. My head says give it one more go for them to clear boulders and scar tissue, but I'm tired of the table. I'm tired of just expecting to put a surgery on my social calendar every year. I'm feeling so over it. And we can't afford a gestational surrogate. That's out.My husband went with me and after it was over, I think he was expecting me to cry on impulse...but knowing I have to tough it out at work all day, I didn't not want to start the water works in the car...cuz they would likely not stop. I am sitting here now about to start it, but I have to fight it. So if this entry sounds like tears, it's gonna have to be tears for now..I just can't lose it here today.I'm sure if I don't call the doc's office, they'll call me with the results this afternoon and want me to come see them...and I'll likely go...if for no other reason than to just tie up those ends. Maybe I'm thinking irrationally...who knows. All I know is that I want a baby more than anything, but out of my own womb, it's not looking good. I know the Lord blessed Sarah and Elizabeth when they thought they were barren...I'd love that same miracle for us.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
All aboard
Tomorrow, it's back on the ART train...time to re-do the HSG. I am actually taking the antiobiotics this time, so it won't be a wasted trip up to Super Giant Fertility Clinic. I was supposed to make an appointment with my doc's office for the same day...but I wasn't feelin doing that all in one day.
I think I'm trying to brace myself for bad news. Maybe I don't want to deal with that until after the holidays....Jury's still out on that.
The ghost of Christmas present hasn't showed up yet...b/c I have zero Christmas spirit. No Christmas decorations are up....haven't mailed my cards out yet. I'm praying it shows up before next Christmas season arrives.
I think I'm trying to brace myself for bad news. Maybe I don't want to deal with that until after the holidays....Jury's still out on that.
The ghost of Christmas present hasn't showed up yet...b/c I have zero Christmas spirit. No Christmas decorations are up....haven't mailed my cards out yet. I'm praying it shows up before next Christmas season arrives.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Ho Ho Hum
Wow. I haven't been in here yet this month?
Not much goin on to spill the tea about...at least on the TTC/IVF front. Just waiting for AF to get here so I can do this HSG and pray the doc doesn't say "Um. We're sorry. We can't/won't do it" (IVF). In anticipation of that, we are concurrently making plans towards investigating adoption. We went to a big adoption fair this weekend and got great information. We just need to decide which agency (public) to go with.
I felt really sick yesterday. Even though I know it would take the Immaculate Conception for me to have a BFP, somehow my mind thought about it for a microsecond. Ah, to be 20 again...where life was simpler and pregnancy was possible.
Not much goin on to spill the tea about...at least on the TTC/IVF front. Just waiting for AF to get here so I can do this HSG and pray the doc doesn't say "Um. We're sorry. We can't/won't do it" (IVF). In anticipation of that, we are concurrently making plans towards investigating adoption. We went to a big adoption fair this weekend and got great information. We just need to decide which agency (public) to go with.
I felt really sick yesterday. Even though I know it would take the Immaculate Conception for me to have a BFP, somehow my mind thought about it for a microsecond. Ah, to be 20 again...where life was simpler and pregnancy was possible.
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