Young, Fabulous and... (in)fertile?

Blowing the Dust Off This Thing

2008-02-06T08:54:00.000-05:00

Hey folks -

Not much to report these days. I now think I am seeping into the "denial" phase about TTC via IVF. I haven't made the appointment w/my RE b/c I'm just petrified about what she will say about our chances to do IVF. I gotta break outta that though...

There might be a possible adoptive possibility in the works...and would you believe I'm a little scared of that too?

I need to get my mind right. Whether it's IVF, adoption or whatever it is....I can't be skurred. It's my destiny to be a mommy.

In the words of Kirk Franklin (and Kenny Loggins, where this song was originally taken from):

You think that maybe it's over'
Not unless you want it to be
Are you gonna wait for a sign? Your miracle..
Stand up and fight!

This it it!

You can't mess with my mind anymore --'This is it!
I'm smarter, see I've been here before --'This is it!
It's a new day, I'm not afraid anymore --'This is it!

Gaining and Losing

2008-01-17T10:26:00.000-05:00

I was gonna come on here this week and wax poetic about the 10 pounds I've lost since January 1st. I was likely gonna have an update on a trip to the RE for a HSG follow up. Life happens though. I never expected to be coming here and, instead of writing all that, end up writing a post-mortem about one of the relatives I have been close to since I was in my mom's womb.

Last weekend, I lost my aunt to breast cancer. She was one of the baddddest women walking. She always knew how to get in your behind..even when she didn't agree with you or you with her. More than anything, she made you feel important...like you were one of her own kids. She always bailed my cousins (her kids), their friends and me out of any situation imaginable. If she had it, you had it. She was an advocate, cheerleader, supporter, lawyer, policewoman (and she actually WAS one), master chef....and more. I'm feeling this loss really deeply. I was so looking forward to having a baby to bring to her house for HER to take under her wing...just as she did me and all the other kids she considered her kids, neices and nephews.

I can only hope that when it's my turn to be a mommy, I'm even a quarter of what she's meant to me. I do hold in my heart all that's she taught me over the years. She taught me to stand up for myself and to be a fighter. For that kind of gain in my life, I'll always be grateful.

Breast Cancer may have claimed another loss, but Heaven is gaining a fierce one. Gabriel and the other angels better watch out. Renee is comin!

I'm sad but rejoicing at the same time. Weird, isn't it.

Rest in peace, my dear.
R.W.P 1951-2008.

Happy New Me

2008-01-07T13:47:00.000-05:00

Welcome to 2008!

I'll have more to update on the TTC later this week...when I finally schedule my post-HSG appointment at Super Giant FC. In the meantime, i've been on a mission to lose some weight in the '08...and I have. 5 whole pounds since last week. Woo Hoo!

My desire is to be healthy in every area of my life this year -- financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Last year was tough, but I am amped and ready to face challenge head on this year. Let's hope this vigor can last beyond the month of January. :)

It's a Wrap!

2007-12-31T08:41:00.000-05:00

this year, that is.

Sorry I haven't been here to update in a couple of weeks. Nothing new going on on the TTC front. I kept my word to myself that I would make a choice to not deal with seeing my doc until after the New Year. I just didn't want any kind of news (more surgery or something like that) to put a damper on my holidays. Of course, there were lots of other things to put a damper on my holidays...but since it's the last day of this year (Hallelujah)...I want to focus on the positive things to come.

It is my intention to start a support group/organization for women of color dealing with infertility and miscarriage issues. I had two friends from my other cyber home lose their babies this weekend. One friend only had 5 weeks to go and had to deliver her son stillborn. This makes 3 people within the past couple of months. I am sad and mad as hell about it. But when I search the web for resources for Black women to cope...I find nothing. Don't get me wrong..I am not slighting or begrudging Resolve or other orgs at all. I think they do wonderful work for the IF community. I just feel passionately that Black women don't see themselves in these issues...we just put an S on our chest and try to keep it movin. I feel that women of color need a voice to reassure ourselves that it really is ok....to hurt...to explore your feelings...to find a kindred spirit in all of this madness. We suffer from these horrific fibroids....80% of African American women having them...and we are in just as great numbers suffering from Endometriosis and Cervical Cancer. But we suffer in silence...and see our other sister organize and get their healing while don't. I know some readers of this blog may not be overly religious or spiritual...but I am clear that God doesn't make mistakes. He tries to lead us toward our mission and purpose..it's just up to us to heed His call. I have been pulled and tugged for years to do some sort of advocacy work for women...I never followed through on any of my thoughts or plans..and now I know why. This is what I need to be doing. I don't know how it will all take shape at this point...but I know who will make that vision clear.

I know God has nothing but good things in store for me...and for you....in the year to come. When New Years comes, I get sad about what's been lost..but this year, I am so excited for what's to come...whether it's clarity on a child by IVF or adoption....or starting this group that's welling up on the inside...or getting our financial house in order...or strengthening my relationship with my husband, family and close friends...or really and truly going back to finish that MSW that I've alluded myself from for years and years...all of these things have me excited for the clock to strike 12...The Number 7 means completion...while 8 means New Beginnings. Onward and upward. Have a blessed New Year everyone.

"You THINK you know? You have no idea...."

2007-12-18T07:41:00.000-05:00

Until you know my joy, know my pain, and know my struggles
Until you've walked these shoes, paid my dues, and felt my troubles
Until you've shared my tears, known my fears, in all my years
Only til then, you only know what you think you know
Raheem DeVaughn "Until" (from "The Love Experience")

I posted this on my other "cyber home" yesterday..no need to add too much else to it...except this...notice today's lyrical posting -- it's one of my favorite songs from Raheem DeVaughn, a neo-soul/R&B singer out of the DC area. Someone alluded that it shouldn't be that hard for a baby to grow in my womb...and that it should be just as easy to monitor my boulders when I get pg..right?

What those lyrics above are basically saying is this....that unless you've experienced anything from my standpoint, you only "know what you think you know". You have no idea what kind of pain or frustrations I've been through in my life. You have no idea how I've had to struggle and fight for a lot of things. You can't know the depth of how people in my life, often the closest people I know, have hurt me. And you most assuredly can't understand what I have been through with this fight to preserve my womb. I've been going through it for 11 years! A whole decade of my life. Been through a blood tranfusion and at least 7 surgeries --perhaps more. As much as I would love the baby making process to be a breeze for me, it's not gonna be a breeze. I'm trying to maintain everyday and keep it all together. I'm trying to tough it out without crumbling into tears a lot of the time. I'm constantly on my way to what God would have me to fulfill in my life...but unless you really knew what the real deal is...to quote the catch phrase from the old show "Diary" on MTV, "You THINK you know...but you have NO idea."

I digress...here's the post:
Re-did the HSG test today (well yesterday, since I posted this then). After 3 attempts, she couldn't even SEE my one remaining tube. My uterus is so scarred and boulder filled, the teeny speck of space that's left isn't enough for a fist, let alone a baby.I'm supposed to be calling my doc back for a follow-up consultation..but I don't see a need for it. What's the point going to be Even if we do IVF, where's a baby going to grow? There's no room in the inn. My head says give it one more go for them to clear boulders and scar tissue, but I'm tired of the table. I'm tired of just expecting to put a surgery on my social calendar every year. I'm feeling so over it. And we can't afford a gestational surrogate. That's out.My husband went with me and after it was over, I think he was expecting me to cry on impulse...but knowing I have to tough it out at work all day, I didn't not want to start the water works in the car...cuz they would likely not stop. I am sitting here now about to start it, but I have to fight it. So if this entry sounds like tears, it's gonna have to be tears for now..I just can't lose it here today.I'm sure if I don't call the doc's office, they'll call me with the results this afternoon and want me to come see them...and I'll likely go...if for no other reason than to just tie up those ends. Maybe I'm thinking irrationally...who knows. All I know is that I want a baby more than anything, but out of my own womb, it's not looking good. I know the Lord blessed Sarah and Elizabeth when they thought they were barren...I'd love that same miracle for us.

All aboard

2007-12-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, it's back on the ART train...time to re-do the HSG. I am actually taking the antiobiotics this time, so it won't be a wasted trip up to Super Giant Fertility Clinic. I was supposed to make an appointment with my doc's office for the same day...but I wasn't feelin doing that all in one day.

I think I'm trying to brace myself for bad news. Maybe I don't want to deal with that until after the holidays....Jury's still out on that.

The ghost of Christmas present hasn't showed up yet...b/c I have zero Christmas spirit. No Christmas decorations are up....haven't mailed my cards out yet. I'm praying it shows up before next Christmas season arrives.

Ho Ho Hum

2007-12-05T14:23:00.000-05:00

Wow. I haven't been in here yet this month?

Not much goin on to spill the tea about...at least on the TTC/IVF front. Just waiting for AF to get here so I can do this HSG and pray the doc doesn't say "Um. We're sorry. We can't/won't do it" (IVF). In anticipation of that, we are concurrently making plans towards investigating adoption. We went to a big adoption fair this weekend and got great information. We just need to decide which agency (public) to go with.

I felt really sick yesterday. Even though I know it would take the Immaculate Conception for me to have a BFP, somehow my mind thought about it for a microsecond. Ah, to be 20 again...where life was simpler and pregnancy was possible.

Blue Funk

2007-11-24T09:29:00.000-05:00

I've neglected my spot for a minute....I think I've been in a bit of a funk.

I had my saline sono done, and that was so discouraging that I felt I need a bit of a break. It showed a 2.5 cm boulder that's protruding into my uterus. Great.

Couldn't have the HSG done b/c I actually told the truth about not taking 2 days worth of antibiotics. And my RE won't move any further without the HSG being done. She also wants to meet with me the same day as the HSG to discuss what the plan will be moving forward. I'm scared that she will say b/c I would have to have another surgery to remove boulder 3,206, they don't want risk to doing IVF...b/c I've had umpteen surgeries and there's so much scarring.

We are moving forward with public adoption plans concurrently. But I want at least the opportunity to have my own baby. I never thought I would feel so strongly about wanting to conceive, but everytime I think about NOT having that chance, I well up and cry.

This sucks.

I'll end this on a positive note...on Black Friday (the day after Turkey Day for those not in the US), I got the other thing I've been craving almost as much as motherhood....my Kitchen Aid mixer! Now if any ladies out there are KitchenAid-nistas, you know that mixer is the Cadillac of mixers. It's supercalifragilistic! I put it on my wedding registry, and have asked for it as a gift for at least 7 years. It was on sale for $139 at Wally World, and my hubby was determined to get it. And he DID! I couldn't wait until Christmas, so my beauty is prominently on my counter and has already been put to use.

I'm so glad there's at least one bright spot to cheer about!

"Boulder"dash -- Part II

2007-11-14T15:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday began the re-dux of all the testing at, as they say on another group I'm on, S.uper G.iant F.ertility C.linic. I had my Cycle Day 3 bloodwork and sonogram yesterday morning.Didn't go well. My FSH was 10.5 (they like it to be below 10), my Prolactin levels are through the roof and there were only 5 follicles....there were 10 this time last year. Oh, lest I forget, the "boulders" (otherwise known as fibroids) are back. There is one "of concern" that's in the way of the uterus. I have a saline sono and an HSG (the test to check the tubes..or tube singular in my case, cuz I only have one left) scheduled next Monday. They will also re-test the prolactin levels. Long and short, starting an IVF cycle before the end of '07 will not be in the cards.

I just sat at my desk yesterday and tried to fight back tears..just like I am right now. I'm so angry! Why is it that those of us who want children so badly have to go through all this pain, while young chicks who could care less can pop babies out like candy from a machine.We are going to be concurrently planning towards adoption at this point. My good friend, Dr. S, is one of the heads of a foster care placement agency that gets quite a few calls for foster/adoptive placement for newborns....so we will go through the training and everything and pray that we'll be able to adopt a child ages 0-2 or 3.My husband was trying to be a trooper about my news, but he admitted in the car this morning that he broke down last night while watching TV. (I wasn't home yet). We haven't even gotten to the hard part of all this and it's already emotional. When I got home from a meeting at church, he had a wonderful meal laid out for me: grilled and marinated steaks, roasted corn and red peppers w/basil, red wine and a pecan pie (which we were too full to eat). I so needed that. This is gonna be a long road, but that we're in this together -- with the help of God -- we'll get through this.

"Boulder"dash! - Part I

2007-11-14T15:08:00.000-05:00

I am a HUGE fan of music....of all kinds...I especially get into lyrics. Some songs really speak to exactly where I am. There is one song, "Nobody Not Really" by Alicia Keys (from the Diary of Alicia Keys), that has always spoken to me when I'm feeling alone.
Have you ever had one of those days where you're just feeling so down, you feel that no one really understands? I know I am always around a rack of people, so it's hard to fathom the thought of being alone....and I know with God I am really never alone...but when it comes to this infertility thing -- and people are constantly asking you about when you're gonna have a baby, or assure that it's ok, just adopt -- you just feel like no one can truly understand how you feel. Cuz this is not an easy place to be.
These lyrics have always hit me..but I am especially feeling them these days....

Who really cares?
Who really cares?
When I talk
What I feel
What I say
Nobody, not really
Who wants to take
The time to understand?
I would like
Someone to heal me with some empathy
But I can't find
Nobody, not really
Maybe I'm invisible to the world
Does anyone on the world even think of me
As more than just a hopeless cause
Maybe the world is not my block
My stoop
My life, my dreams
My anything
Anything
Who wants to help?
Momma but she's so tired
Papa but you're not here
I'm alone in a big empty space with
Nobody, not really

Sunday Bloody Sunday

2007-11-11T20:32:00.000-05:00

I can't believe the news today
I can't close my eyes and make it go away.
U2 - "Sunday Bloody Sunday"

It's CD1. Exciting, yet sad. Exciting b/c it's time to start all of the fun testing...sad b/c we actually tried "the normal way", just to take a shot in the dark to see if it'd work. It didn't, of course. On to the CD3 Prick and Poke on Tuesday....a Thanksgiving week full of trips to the stirrup palace.

Oh for joy!

Numb

2007-11-08T10:09:00.000-05:00

And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open, I'm
Bruised but not broken
- "Bruised but Not Broken" -- Joss Stone

The lyrics to that song are really speaking to me today.I just got word that a good friend of mine lost her baby yesterday. I am sitting here numb. Numb and dumbfounded. I feel so much pain in my heart for her. She is my "sister in struggle", as she and I have similar challenges. When I found out she was pg, I wanted to pump my fist in the air. She gave me so much hope and encouragement...that if it happened for her, it could happen for me. I know she and her husband were going to be dynamic parents. That child was loved by so many people he never knew. I know God has a purpose and plan for everything...so, as she said, God needed him more. That doesn't ever take away the pain, but I am praying that she will be ok...and that she knows that she's loved...by God and her friends and family. If you are reading and believe in the power of prayer, please pray for my friend...even though you don't know her, no one deserves to go through this kind of pain.

Today is CD28...which means any day now, we're on the road. Going into this cycle with this news is really scary. Part of me just doesn't want to move. But I have to believe that God does have a purpose for this. And whatever that is, we have to be open to it.

November already?

2007-11-01T07:44:00.000-04:00

Wow. Where did this year go? It's amazing how times flies so quickly when you get older.

Nothing new on the IF front. Today's CD21, so I guess we'll be back on the RE testing train sometime in the next week or so. AF isn't ordinarily here until the 12th or 13th, but everything is thrown off with October being a long month.

My DSK's (Dear StepKids for those unfamiliar with the acronym) came over to our house last night to participate in the "Holy Harvest" activities the church had planned for the kids. They both had a great time (daughter went to Golden Corral with the older teens, son went to the gathering back at the church)..but their DAD? Now don't me wrong, I love my husband (heyyyyy John, in case he's reading this at any point). He's got to realize that our children are teenagers. They have opinions and attitudes. They are flexible and adaptable..probably more adaptable than us as adults. So you've got to LET THEM be kids. Yes, we need to check them and guide them firmly, but they're also not five or six anymore. You can't obsess and worry about them not having fun...if they're bored,they'll make their own fun...trust me.

And just think. If all goes well with IVF, we'll be re-visiting this conversation all over again about 10-15 years from now. The joy of it all.

What a long, strange trip it's been

2007-10-29T07:12:00.000-04:00

I posted this to another blog I keep..but I can't help but reflect on this past year. This same day last year, I was coming back from a fabulous weekend in NYC. My cousin, best friend and I went on a "Diva Girls Weekend; took a limo to the City, stay at the Ritz-Carlton, saw The Color Purple on Broadway, ate and drank "balla" style at The Shark Bar, NoHo Star, Ruby Foo and partied like a rock star at the 40/40 club. All that fabulousity should have been a sign that something was 'bout to happen.

The day after we got back, I woke up in a rack of pain. I trudged on to work, but the pain was wearing me OWT! I wanted to crawl underneath my cube and cry. One my managers ran over to John's office to get him....and I was hunched over my desk in tears. I couldn't even see straight, the pain was that crucial. Luckily, we work near a hospital. John was able to get me to the hospital in 5 minutes or less. We get to the ER and, at this point, I'm ready for an intravenous shot of something to take the pain away. The triage nurse was cleared not affected by my tears and writhering in pain. I asked repeatedly for a stretcher, but they weren't hearing me and told us to go back to the waiting area. A "Hannah Montana" look a like and her mama had the gall to lean over and ask "Um, is she ok?...maybe she should see a doctor?" It took all John had not to haul off and slap the taste out of her mouth. In a hazy, pain-filled stupor, I went ambling down the hallway to find my own damn help and then.....BAM...projectile vomiting all over the way and floor. Bet I got a stretcher then, didn't I...complete with my own bucket reminiscent of a paper bucket you'd get at any chicken place in America.

17 hours, 2 bruised arms from the nurses that took 7-8 times to hit a vein for blood and an IV line, 2 sonos and 1 ct scan later..and it turns out that I have a twisted up left tube and an ruptured blood clot on the left ovary. They wanna operate STAT, but after all the tomfoolery by the bass ackwards ER staff, there was no way I was gonna trust the rest of the staff with cutting into me...PERIOD. Thanks, but no thanks...I'll see my own docs, thank you very much.

A visit to my doc the next day confirmed everything they said...and I was indeed on my way to what seems like surgery number 3000 to remove that tube and clean up the mess that clot was making. I feel pretty good a year later...but no closer to and it seems lightyears away from motherhood.

It's been a frustrating ride. Like the blog roll that most of us IF'ers are on, I am indeed a "stirrup queen" and proud of it! Some days I feel like quitting and giving up. But I have to keep believing and trusting that there is something greater than me [for me, that something is God...but for you, dear reader, it may be something else, which is all good by me]that's keeping me sane and allowing my girlie bits to hang in there a little while longer.

Nesting..sorta

2007-10-28T20:57:00.000-04:00

It's CD16..otherwise known as nothing going on. No bloodwork or stirrup olympics can take place..it's just a waiting game until good ol CD3. In the meantime, I guess I've been doing a bit of nesting. So much for trying to lose 10-15 pounds before we start a cycle. I've been cooking up a storm, and I know hubby's excited about that. Saturday was our 17monthaversary (Yes, I still count months..I'll stop at the 2 year point, I promise). I wanted to do a little something special, so I fixed Chicken Marsala w/Linguine, some steamed veggies, some good crusty bread and got a wine with a little more kick than Sutter Home. Tonight, I did Tequila Lime chicken, spanish rice from scratch, fried corn and margaritas. I've gotten the seal of approval from the hubster (He ate and now he's on the couch callin hogs in his sleep), but before he drifted off, we had a convo about children.

He says "One day, folks will be doting over a Craft baby". My husband and I go to a fairly large church in the DC area. In the circles where we know folks at church, there are a lot of couples with newborns and infants. Everytime John sees one of those kids, his face just lights up. He even re-enacted what he thinks a conversation with he and a toddler daughter will be like. I just pray he'll be able to have that conversation one day.

If you guys will excus me, I've gotta cut off the hog callin now..it's really loud and the mythical 3 Little Pigs may wind up at our doorstep and tell him to cut it out.

Sticker Shock, Superwoman and other ramblings

2007-10-25T11:52:00.000-04:00

I've been making my way around the "IF" Blogosphere...trying to get my feet wet with all things fertility. There's certainly no lack of information out there. While IVF is covered under my insurance, what I'm really trying to wrap my head around is the cost of all these meds. I know BCP's are the least of my woes...but what about Lupron? And Follastim? And Gonal? Are those covered if the procedure is covered. I've seen some folks say they spent THOUSANDS of dollars on all these meds. I know the short answer to this is "Girl, call your insurance company"....but after I bugged the living daylights out of Cigna last week, I guess I'm gonna give them a break...for a short minute. I am curious about what meds are covered. My head feels like it's gonna explode, and i've not yet popped a single pill in my mouth...not even the free "trythissamplefromthepharmaceuticalpimpsthatleavearackofpillsatouroffice" ones I got from SGFC this week. This feels like shopping for a new car in a way...and I've got a bad case of sticker shock right about now. I liken reading all of the other blogs to reading "Consumer Reports" or "Kelly Blue Book"....you know, trying to do the best comparison shopping for the best deals. Is there no such thing as "the best deal" for all these drugs?

I've been thinking about joining a support group for IF's. I've been on RESOLVE's site and seen groups in my area, but nothing has bowled me over enough to venture out yet. I know IF is an issue that is cross-cultural. I'm just wondering if I'll see anyone that looks like me in those meetings. It frustrates me so that Black women are the biggest hard heads when it comes to owning an issue...until it's nearly too late. Why flounder out in the world alone when there are other women like you who could lend you support? Why keep your journey to yourself when someone needs to hear your testimony and be brave about beginning their healing process by hearing what you've been through. Why must we always give off the "Superwoman" image; We're not. I'll leave the Superman adoration to my husband.

My husband, the Martian

2007-10-23T07:03:00.000-04:00

My world is once again all consumed with visions of embryos dancing in my head. I had dreams of pregnancy last night....you know, the usual. On the commute to work this morning, it's all I wanted to talk about (yesterday's visit to the doc)...and of course, I thought my husband would want to kee kee about all things fertility with me. WRONG. Well, perhaps not completely. He tends to look at the glass half empty....but I thought that with this? Surely, he's gonna be positive. Nope. Douglas Downer (not his real name, of course..LOL) says he doesn't want to be excited and that he's "bracing himself". Great...that's just what I need to hear. Such a bastion of positivity he is at 6 am. This is why there are only certain aspects of this I can discuss with him...and others I have to discuss with my girlfriends. Men are very black and white, finite thinkers...sorta like when John Grey had that book out "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"....His response this morning was quite Martian...I hope he'll make a shift from Mars to at least Earth at some point during this whole process.

But can I just admit that I am more than a little scared? I saw the pic of my itty bitty uterus, and it frightened me. How in the world would a baby be able to grow in that space? It's supposed to look like an inverted triangle...mine looks like something I can even desribe even in witty terms.

Oy vey.

The Discovery Channel

2007-10-22T19:46:00.000-04:00

That's what my womb is about to be yet again....the appointment w/the new RE went well. Since we took a bit of a break from our last visits, new RE wants to run a new saline sono, HSG, Day 3 testing and a new swim test for DH.

She's concerned that my poked and prodded uterus may not be viable b/c of all the scar tissue that was seen on the last HSG and laproscopy done in January/February. My saving grace is that my cycle has been coming like clockwork every month and has been "normal" and not spotty. She says that is encouraging news..so back on the exploratory mission we go.

My uterus has gotta be the little bodily organ that could. It just has to.

Vials, syringes and needles...oh my!

2007-10-22T09:16:00.000-04:00

Ah, the bubble guts. I am really nervous about our appointment with the RE today. I know we're not starting our IVF process at this very moment ('specially since it's CD 10 and not a thing can happen midcyle)..but I was perusing the lovely Blogosphere today and found a YouTube clip with allllllllll the meds this one woman was using for ONE cycle.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=QbwkOIF7JTs

All those vials, syringes and needles...and pill bottles. As my husband often says, the sight of that table full of meds was worse than anything I've seen on The Wire YET! And I'm going to WILLINGLY put my body through this?

Wow....just wow.

I'll be back with a blow by blow later...but I'll admit it's hard to concentrate on anything resembling work today.

Monday, Monday....

2007-10-19T12:33:00.000-04:00

First, thanks for all the positive feedback I've received on my blog. I appreciate the support.

Monday is fast approaching. It's the day we get back on the ART hampster wheel. Our first consult at our new RE's office is at 3pm. All sorts of thoughts are running through my head. Am I ready for this? Are WE ready for it? Am I fully prepared for the experience?

My head tells me I am. My heart? Not so certain. I know IVF can be an emotional process. Hell, just the initial workup months ago had me shook. I'm praying that she is empathetic and gentle, and doesn't see the dead sea scrolls (otherwise known as my lengthy gyn history with the boulders [fibroids]) and get scared off.

Thinking about moving into this phase has made me think about how much has happened to get me here. Not gonna bore you with a full out history..I'll save that for the doc Monday....but the short version is 4 laproscopic and 2 open procedures to remove boulders and their frenemy endometriosis. It's amazing to me that conception is still an option after all the ins and outs...literally. My womb is clearly hanging on by a thread...but it is hanging on.

I've also been pondering why there aren't more "sistablogs" out there. I know of one other TTC blog out there in the Blogosphere that is specifically written by a woman of color. I know there are more of us out there. It saddens me that women of color have such difficulty owning challenging illnesses. We are infertile too...just as many women across the spectrum are. And our stories need to be shared with others. We do suffer from Fibroid tumors at overwhelming rates, and we need to discuss the impact of these heinous boulders so that others can get treated and find options for healing them other than complete hysterectomies. I'll never forget one of my assinine old docs parting her lips to discuss hysterectomy...at the time I was 33. I'm sorry. I do realize that hysterectomy is a high dollar figure"snip, snip, pull out, all gone" procedure, while myomectomy and laproscopy is more involved of your time, docs of the world. But the decision to keep our wombs are OURS. We suffer in silence about so many things. It's time for the silence to be broken.

How Can You Be Fabulous AND Infertile?

2007-10-18T21:55:00.000-04:00

Someone posed an interesting question to me this evening...on why I would choose to name this blog Young, Fabulous...and (in) Fertile. How is infertility fabulous?

The definition of infertile, per Dictionary.com, is:
in·fer·tile /ɪnˈfɜrtl or, especially Brit., -taɪl/ Pronunciation Key - [in-fur-tl or, especially Brit., -tahyl] Pronunciation Key - –adjective not fertile; unproductive; sterile; barren: infertile soil.

Not a very fabulous definition, is it? I think it's important to not give the word infertility power. Unproductive and barren by no means defines who I am as a woman. A lot of women see infertility as stifling....life altering...I know when I was initially diagnosed, I felt that way. Like someone was just putting a halt to a major part of my life. I cried. I was mad as hell. I questioned long and hard....Infertile? Me? Nah!!!

As months and time has gone on, I know that I am truly not infertile. My life is pregnant with possibilities and opportunities. Thank God for the technology and resources that may be able to help us achieve a pregnancy. Even if that doesn't happen, there are so many ways to share my mothering spirit with others...adoption, foster parenting, mentor, the counseling I do with my church....None of those things are barren and unproductive. I see my "reproductive challenge" as a way to challenge how I feel about growth....as parent, wife and all areas of m life. I want to demystify and challenge how the word infertility is viewed in this blog. We have to be confident that God wants us to grow....going through infertility is really an opportunity to grow...

Is it a diagnosis? Yep, it is. Does it define who I am? Absolutely not.

I pray that I will be able to conceive a child...but I also pray that that my life (and the lives of those who read this blog) with be just as fertile.

Here we go!

2007-10-18T10:50:00.000-04:00

Here we go, yo
Here we go, yo,
So what's, so what's, what's the scenario?
A Tribe Called Quest

Well, folks...here we are. On the road to trying to give the 'ol college try to trying to conceive. I guess I need to give a little background on myself, lest you chose to follow along the journey with me. I'm Kimmie...37...African-American...married 17 months....college grad (Go Terps)...stepmom to 2 wonderful kids, age 16 and 14...gainfully employed..my mom's only child...

And I'm infertile. Or least that's what all the tests keep saying.

This journey really began back in '96. After going to war with Kaiser over why I was bleeding like a cow...I was hospitalized for severe anemia. I kept being put on the Pill and switched...b/c they thought "oh, you're getting older..your hormones are just changing." All the bleeding and switcherooing went on for well over a year...and then my mom called Kaiser, screamed at them, she took me to the hospital..and I passed out in the bathroom. I needed 4 units of blood. After running test after test, someone's lightbulb went on and a sono was ordered. The tech leans in and asks me "Has anyone told you that you have a FIBROID?"

Tha hell?

Fast forward 11 years, 7 surgeries, 1 blood transfusion and 1 less fallopian tube (it was removed in Nov. 06, after it decided to wrap itself in a knot inside my body) and 1 3/4 ovaries later...we're here. After the wild and crazy ride called my 20's and mid 30's, I'm finally married and want to have a baby..but my reproductive system is acting like it's on strike.

Hubby and I started the process of the infertility workup in December '06. Countless sonos, day 3 tests, a saline sono and an HSG..and we got the verdict. The tube that's hangin on is blocked and we're should head straight for IVF...do not pass go, do not collect $200 or a baby without some assistance.

We put IVF on the backburner for a while (mostly b/c we needed to up our insurance coverage to cadillac coverage...otherwise known as OAP or PPO, that will cover IVF completely...with only a 10k max). But now we're back on it. We switched offices of our RE to a location that's closer to our house. Our first consult with the new doc is 10/22. I'm scared and nervous and excited all at once...

But here we go. Strap in and take the ride with us.